Sunday, February 1, 2009
Please Listen
I have been watching underground wellness on youtube and his new radio show for sometime. He is very well informed and open to new ideas. While I don't always agree with everything his guest talk about his latest show, Organic Farming and Sustainable Farming left me agree, confused and honestly feeling like we are being lied to on a regular basis. How dare our government steal farmers seeds from Iraq. How dare the FDA sacrifice our choice, economy, farms and national security to the benefit of big ag. If you eat. If you have children. If you prize choice even if you choose not to exercise your choice. If you see the value of our country being able to produce all our own food and not rely on other countries. If you are a mammal. Please listen to the show and pass it on. Pass it on to Obama and your senators and congressmen and to anyone else who will listen. And if they won't listen play it anyway. It's a tough show to listen too. But farmers killing themselves isn't isolated, nutrients disappearing isn't isolated and is coming to a farm near you.
A New Year and a late post
February 1st. The first day in the past 2 months that shows an average loss on my smoothed weight averages instead of a gain or stall. I am still 5 pounds over my lowest but I am thankful I didn't gain more. Very thankful. Two months of horrible running mileage and smoking first cigars and then cigarettes. Two months of fighting to restrain weight gain as I ate off plan. A month of no money and food rationing. A month of confused break ups and seeing my rapist move back in next door. No more euphemisms. Yes, my rapist.
In 4 days I will have my Atkins anniversary. The day that changed my life. I will see that day with over a week of recommitted low carb under my belt. I started on the third rung and three days in I am finally below the red line. This is the first in the past two months that I recommitted and stuck to it. I feel so much better than the candy bar at the gas station makes me sick just to smell it. I feel normal again. My anniversary will be a marking point with 23 days to go until my marathon. My first marathon. Slightly under-trained but determined to finish. Regardless, I will finish because February 5th is also the anniversary of my assault.
February 5th of last year I was at work after a few weeks of trying to start Atkins and quitting smoking. Every time I started I just wasn't quite ready. I had decided two weeks before that quitting smoking first would be a good idea. By quitting, I wouldn't have to try exercising with damaged lungs and I also wouldn't have carb and nicotine withdrawals at the same time. So I did it. I hadn't smoked in a little over a week. I also started walking during lunch to avoid the smokers, so I thought... this is perfect timing!
I think I had eggs that morning. I know I had a bunless burger with avaocado at the local deli and felt a sudden wash of... "oh, this is doable." I still wasn't sure I could do it though. Deep down inside, I doubted.
Now, this is my time to come out at a bisexual woman because when I got home a woman I'd been in love with but couldn't date showed up on my door step. It was a nice visit and I listened compassionately in pain, as she detailed her problems with her girlfriend. Oh, I listened and bottled up every emotion and when she left I walked her to her car. Walking back to the house I see my neighbor sitting in his car after a fight with his girlfriend and I invited him in. We held a wonderful bitch session and when I asked him to leave he assaulted me in my kitchen. I didn't scream because my kids were upstairs. I didn't call the police because I didn't believe it had happened until several days after the fact. I never confronted him because I can't afford to move. So I kept my distance and after about 6 months I think he got the hint though I'm equally sure he hasn't a clue what happened or why I avoid him.
Why do I recount this now? Because for me my low carb anniversary is inexplicably tied to my assault. Over the next week I was amazed to still be alive and realized that I was stronger than bread, pasta, sugar, soda, or my fear of the man next door. Yes, I went positively wacko for a week but it only lasted a week. I had a choice. Let this ruin what was left of my life or not. I chose not to. I rarely think on it and fully expect to go wacko the closer it gets to the 5th but I also know that it will pass. On this anniversary I have to remind myself of how I used to look because I honestly forgot. I still see the same person in the mirror. The truth is, I've lost over 40 pounds and have 20 more to go; it feels like I had always been this size. That is a dangerous thought. It lead to eating off plan for almost 2 months. No, hiding pain and emotions lead to off plan eating for the past 2 months. I look normal now. I have a "healthy BMI" and after 20 more pounds I will look the way I want to and be able to run faster smoother and with more strength. This is truly a journey.
So this is my update but I will say one more thing.
I am thankful I was raped. I wouldn't have changed my life when I did it without the assault. Every time I see him outside I am reminded that yes, I am strong enough to handle anything.
In 4 days I will have my Atkins anniversary. The day that changed my life. I will see that day with over a week of recommitted low carb under my belt. I started on the third rung and three days in I am finally below the red line. This is the first in the past two months that I recommitted and stuck to it. I feel so much better than the candy bar at the gas station makes me sick just to smell it. I feel normal again. My anniversary will be a marking point with 23 days to go until my marathon. My first marathon. Slightly under-trained but determined to finish. Regardless, I will finish because February 5th is also the anniversary of my assault.
February 5th of last year I was at work after a few weeks of trying to start Atkins and quitting smoking. Every time I started I just wasn't quite ready. I had decided two weeks before that quitting smoking first would be a good idea. By quitting, I wouldn't have to try exercising with damaged lungs and I also wouldn't have carb and nicotine withdrawals at the same time. So I did it. I hadn't smoked in a little over a week. I also started walking during lunch to avoid the smokers, so I thought... this is perfect timing!
I think I had eggs that morning. I know I had a bunless burger with avaocado at the local deli and felt a sudden wash of... "oh, this is doable." I still wasn't sure I could do it though. Deep down inside, I doubted.
Now, this is my time to come out at a bisexual woman because when I got home a woman I'd been in love with but couldn't date showed up on my door step. It was a nice visit and I listened compassionately in pain, as she detailed her problems with her girlfriend. Oh, I listened and bottled up every emotion and when she left I walked her to her car. Walking back to the house I see my neighbor sitting in his car after a fight with his girlfriend and I invited him in. We held a wonderful bitch session and when I asked him to leave he assaulted me in my kitchen. I didn't scream because my kids were upstairs. I didn't call the police because I didn't believe it had happened until several days after the fact. I never confronted him because I can't afford to move. So I kept my distance and after about 6 months I think he got the hint though I'm equally sure he hasn't a clue what happened or why I avoid him.
Why do I recount this now? Because for me my low carb anniversary is inexplicably tied to my assault. Over the next week I was amazed to still be alive and realized that I was stronger than bread, pasta, sugar, soda, or my fear of the man next door. Yes, I went positively wacko for a week but it only lasted a week. I had a choice. Let this ruin what was left of my life or not. I chose not to. I rarely think on it and fully expect to go wacko the closer it gets to the 5th but I also know that it will pass. On this anniversary I have to remind myself of how I used to look because I honestly forgot. I still see the same person in the mirror. The truth is, I've lost over 40 pounds and have 20 more to go; it feels like I had always been this size. That is a dangerous thought. It lead to eating off plan for almost 2 months. No, hiding pain and emotions lead to off plan eating for the past 2 months. I look normal now. I have a "healthy BMI" and after 20 more pounds I will look the way I want to and be able to run faster smoother and with more strength. This is truly a journey.
So this is my update but I will say one more thing.
I am thankful I was raped. I wouldn't have changed my life when I did it without the assault. Every time I see him outside I am reminded that yes, I am strong enough to handle anything.
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