Losing Doesn't Make Life Perfect...

It just makes it harder to hide.


After getting halfway to goal, I've had nothing but problems staying on plan. I regained 13 pounds or 7.1 pounds using the smoothed averages. I kept trying to re-induce or go back a few rungs to no avail. Until, I joined Kent Altena's Atkins Diet Bootcamp through youtube. It is a three week online bootcamp going through the induction phase of atkins. Most of the videos are private but I am keeping mine public for more accountability and I thought it would be interesting for someone to get a good idea of what it was like. So far I am loving it but yesterday was hard. Yesterday, something happened to really make me realize why after losing almost 50 pounds I would gain back 11 and have such a hard time.

Goal is scary.

Something happened that left me feeling defensive for wanting to lose more and I turned to Twitter for support. As I heard from several people who had lost significant amounts of weight a story similar to all of us started to emerge. It reminded me of why my Marathon Training program tanked with only a month to go. Or why My amazing thesis ended up with half the subjects planned and finished a year later. Beginning something and sticking to it is easy but finishing is different. It's even harder when the world is telling you that your success is enough and there is something wrong if you want to finish.

Who am I? I can no longer tell people I am low carb. I look healthy enough that all I hear is, "You look fantastic, you don't need to lose weight." Heavy people and people who have always been thin don't realize just how much those words hurt. People talk to me that wouldn't have before. Men flirt, lesbian double take and walking past apartments on the wrong side of town generate whistles and hassling.

Several large women take walk breaks at work and yet... I walk alone. I don't fit in with the thin people either. I can't go to the chinease restaurant at lunch or fit into the cutest jeans yet.

I still feel fat on the inside but on the outside I don't look that fat and it is hard. I would even say, "It was easier being fat."

When I was fat, no one cared. When I was fat, if a relationship broke up, I could say it was the fat not me. When I was fat, no one saw me. Now, it's all me. Plus, if I do reach goal... what excuse do I have for not doing anything else in my life?

I can't hide anymore and I'm realizing how mean some people are. Heavy people seem almost offended or resentful. I wonder, "was I like that to ex-fat people when I was heavy." I don't think so but I wonder and hope I wasn't. Naturally thin people aren't mean but... I'm still shy and still feel like a fat person. I watch them talk about going for drinks or hitting a restaurant or going distance biking and think, "I can't do that"

What does Goal represent for me? A loss of excuses. More responsibility. Doing something neither of my mothers ever could and... having people not believe that I had ever been heavy. That of course would lead to an entire new group of social problems. Problems that bother me already even though they are a fraction of what they will be. If people are this mean about how I eat and this judgmental, how will it be when I reach my goals. Hence the sabotage, the 7 pounds and the need for bootcamp. I need bootcamp for the support and the camaraderie. I am losing already and running still makes me happy and smile like a goof ball. Yet, even in bootcamp I wonder if I truly belong. I worry the others don't want me there. It would be nice to have a pre-maintenance support bootcamp for people who are close to goal someday. Because the closer you get to goal, the less fat your daemons have to hide behind.